3/28/19 - Detox = DEPRESSION :(
17 day POST EXPLANT … Symptoms: Head HUM, dry eyes/skin, double vision, headaches, falling over/vertigo, SEVERE chronic fatigue, depression, muscle pain/weakness continues, profuse sweating, TOXIC body odor, malaise (NO MOTIVATION for life!)
As our bodies struggle to find a "new normal" the systemic changes that occur after explant can be very overwhelming. My endocrine system (HORMONES!) has been malfunctioning for so long, the process of 'recalibration' is bound to be INTENSE. As the body begins shifting gears after so many years of having to function a certain way to fight the TOXINS, and now finally able to function FREE from them, there are bound to be some major ups and downs and DOWNS = waterworks :( And as I reflect on my personal journey leading up to explant, my health decline has admittedly been one of my OWN making in a lot of ways. After pushing so hard for so long, refusing to listen to my body when it was literally SCREAMING for me to slow down, here I am, humbled beyond what I ever thought possible, a prisoner in my own body. My life as I know it has completely disappeared; no career, no social life, no energy, no drive for LIFE. This journey has become the most difficult life challenge to date and, as my health continues to decline, fear and insecurity about what my future holds try to overcome my thoughts at every turn. So, once again, I find myself having to rely on my strong FAITH which is being testing now more than ever. I have to find a way deep inside myself to truly let go and LET GOD. This is exactly where he wants me to be right now and even though it's not fun and it's not what I want, if I choose to be true to my commitment to Him, to live according to His will, then whatever my currently reality carries, I have to trust that He brought me to it and will carry me through it. What an incredibly difficult but powerful learning experience this will be once I am willing and able to fully release myself to be IN it! I'm working on it...one day at a time, one PRAYER at a time, I will get there with His help.
Since the beginning of my decline in health, I found myself searching for answers, wanting to study The Bible more and have really come to enjoy the way it can speak to us when we really let God guide our reading and thoughts about His Word. After a morning spent crying, my reading today spoke VOLUMES about where I'm at right now and will continue to help me face my current reality. Job finds himself frustrated with God due to his continual life struggles so his friend Elihu is trying to explain how he personally interprets God's answer to prayers and God's guidance on how to live life...
"(19) Or another kind of answer God gives comes thus: one may be corrected through a bed of pain;" ...
"(23) If there is a heavenly messenger at one's side, a mediator, even just one our of the thousand in his regime of God's messengers, to proclaim what is right for that person according to God,
(24) And to be gracious to him and to say "Spare this one from descending into the pit; I have found a ransom that will save his life! (25) Then his skin will be renewed, as smooth and fresh as a child's, and he will be restored to the vim and vigor of his youth."
(26) He will make his appeal to God, and God will grant acceptance; he will see God's face and shout with joy, knowing God has restored his right standing.
(27) Then he comes to his fellow humans and sings out, "I sinned and perverted what I knew to be right, but God has not repaid me what I deserved, (28) He has instead paid that ransom and spared me from descending into the pit and my life now sees the light."
(29) Look! God does all these things, two, even three times with a person, (30) In order to guide his soul back from the rim of the pit so the light of life might shine on him."
The prayers of my many friends and family will help save me through God's mercy...we must always remember that others are here to help us, we are never ALONE! And on my personal journey, God is "guiding my soul back from the rim of the pit...from my bed of PAIN", in order to help me break free from all the self-defeating CHAINS that I have carried around my entire life, so I can finally break FREE and live a fulfilled life. I do honestly believe this, deep within my heart, but that doesn't make coming to terms with my current reality any easier. Being humbled can be difficult for ALL of us, but if we can at least TRY to accept what IS...to really let go of what we cannot control and just BE in our current circumstance, I truly believe we can all grow with it, and if we just stand strong through the growing pains, the strength we will gain on the other side will be miraculous, beautiful and unbelievably LIFE CHANGING!
"When you let go, something magical happens. You give God room to work." ~ Mandy Hale