3/14/19 - Feeling DEFEATED :(
Updated: May 2, 2019
Symptoms: lethargy, headaches, heart palpitations, sores (tongue), swollen glands, fibromyalgia flare ups, chest/pectoral pain, double vision (fruit), better complexion/fuller face
When you keep getting knocked down, it gets harder and harder to get back up! Breast Implant Illness has humbled me in ways I could have never imagined. A once fun-loving, very active, GIT R DUN type of gal, this new reality is BEYOND difficult to live in and to accept. I've spent my entire life 'on the move', living life to the fullest, pushing myself beyond the boundaries and having to just sit STILL and simply 'BE' with me, what is that?!?! I've barely learned to even like myself and now I'm being forced to just be here, be present with my struggles. It feels awkward, frightening, frustrating, just doesn't feel good. And as most of us do, I've spent my life searching for the 'feel good' all the time, with booze for a long time and when that didn't work, exercise and a very active life became my 'ahhhh', my therapy, my crutch, so NOW WHAT?!?! What does a person do when everything they have every known to offer happiness or fulfillment in life is taken away, no social life, no friends, no activity; it's like being stripped naked and left exposed, lost in an alternate reality. Where do I go from here?!?! I know I was put on this path to GROW, I have felt that from the beginning but when you're body feels likes it wasting away and you start losing all hope, it gets harder and harder to stay in the fight.
And yet, as I write this journal entry, I am having a revelation, I think I might be beginning to understand. My 'bottom' when I was drinking, the one that lead me to getting help and deciding to put down the bottle, was a fairly 'shallow' bottom. A lot of people have a much more frightening or life changing experience that leads them to decide to change. My decision, although difficult, was not necessarily 'life altering' (although it did change me life for the better!) My body quit the booze long before my mind did. And I truly believe we all need to hit a 'rock bottom' in our lives to grow, to choose to be BETTER. And, the more I think about it, when I gave up my alcohol addiction, all I really did was replace booze with exercise. I didn't give up being an addict, or give up choosing to use the ways of the 'flesh' to fulfill my spiritual 'void'. I just diverted my focus on something else, still looking OUTWARD for support and fulfillment. And what I believe God wants me to fully understand is that everything I need to be fulfilled, to find spiritual healing and PEACE is found only in ONE place, deep inside of ME. No amount of money, no perfect body, no drug, no person, NOTHING of this world can offer me what I have been searching for my entire life, only HE can provide what I need and the only place I need to look is WITHIN. Just WOW, is all I can say...this revelation is POWERFUL and I believe for the first time in my life I am finally on the right road, the one that will lead me to finally fully LIVING this blessed life!!
"Peace comes from within. Do no seek without." ~ Buddha